In these Strangest of Times: Hillsborough 31 Years On - Always Remembered

Even in these strangest of times I don't have a need to remind myself to always remember; I can never forget that day.

Last year, for the 30th Anniversary, I had decided to make changes to how I remembered the day. I didn't want crowds, I just wanted those closest to me to know that I was safe and not spiralling into an abyss of darkness that had often happened on anniversaries in the past.

On 14th April I placed roses at the memorial in Old Haymarket and on the Anniversary we went to Pennington Flash to start the day in a tranquil place where my mind could reflect and remember the fans who didn't make it that day, despite our best efforts. 

Hillsborough Memorial - Old Haymarket

Later in the day we visited Hillsborough Oaks, a special place for me.  We wondered where the years had gone and thought about fellow survivors, supporters and family members who had passed away during the time since the tragedy.

Bullfinch at Pennington Flash

Robin at Pennington Flash 

Hillsborough Oaks

A sad day had worked out perfectly and my sanity remained intact for once.  ❤️💙

This year was going to be similar. But then this year turned out to be similar to nothing any of us has known.

I had booked a Bed and Breakfast in Windermere to stay over on the 14th waking up there on the Anniversary to find somewhere quiet and peaceful to have my thoughts and reflections.

Lake Windermere 

Lake Windermere from Orrest Head

The plan was to then visit the Memorial and Hillsborough Oaks when we returned that evening.

That of course has all changed now and I'll be here at home with my thoughts.

I have a beautiful rose, "Loving Memory", that will be my focus this year.

It was bought because a friend of friend wanted to do something for a survivor.  The rose is the result of this and is now in the garden as a permanent memorial. I am still truly blown away by that. ❤️

Loving Memory 

It is planted in a pot surrounded by red tulips that I am hoping will be in bloom on the day - the rose will follow later on.

In these difficult times I hope that everyone affected by Hillsborough stays safe and can find their own special way to remember our friends this year, the 31st Anniversary of the tragedy. 

One thing is for sure, we will never forget!

Justice for the 96.  Justice for all.

You’ll Never Walk Alone 

Thirty Years

Thirty years has passed. Thirty years in my life that has seen numerous jobs, two stints at university, we said goodbye to my Dad, had two beautiful daughters to make a total of four beautiful girls in mine and Karen’s life. We’ve had weddings and grandchildren and more ups and downs than the Big One in Blackpool.

All in all a normal thirty years that many people could write about. Then there’s the but….

But on the 15th April 1989 I was in pen 3 of the Leppings Lane end at Hillsborough. Thirty years ago. Thirty years! Amidst all the normality has been the torment, the questions, the anger, the sadness, the confusion, the optimism, the disappointment, the guilt and the helplessness. It’s usually kept hidden in my head, just like the images I carry with me everyday.

I’m fortunate that I’m surrounded by good and caring people and have made some enduring friendships along the way. So on this day, thirty years on, I’ll remember the 96 who didn’t come home, my thoughts are with their families. I’m also here for the ones who like me made it back, some scarred both physically and mentally from the scene that we escaped.

Justice for the 96 - Justice for ALL

Hillsborough 29 Years on - Lost in a Void

My “memories” brought to the fore on Facebook at this time of year are filled with Hillsborough as you may expect. I have been on Facebook for 10 years now but my Hillsborough memories are stretching back an unbelievable 29 years.  That, as it happens, is half of my lifetime as I’m 58 in a week or so. 

Many of these memories are like nightmares that repeat randomly, vividly and sometimes unexpectedly. 

Since the verdicts of the new inquests and the impending trials I feel like I’m in some sort of void, a vacuum. With the 29th Anniversary of the disaster just a day away I really can’t say how I’ll feel tomorrow. 

The exploits of Liverpool FC have provided a welcome distraction this week but my memories of that day have been there in the background dipping in and out of my consciousness. 

On Sunday I plan to visit Hillsborough Oaks and then move onto the Memorial in Old Haymarket, St John’s Gardens.  I will remember those lost that day and will also be thinking of fellow survivors who like me find this time of year so difficult. 

I’m very grateful for the friendships that have developed over the years and for the support that has come with those friendships.  Together we have fought a long battle with some notable successes but ultimately there are no winners here, history dictates that. 

29 Years. Never Forgotten. Justice for the 96. Justice for all. 

Those Two Weeks. A Review. Sort of!

Those two weeks were something that hadn’t crossed my mind. Those two weeks were before this chapter began. I can remember significant things from before those two weeks; weddings, births, deaths, holidays, jobs and going to see Liverpool in the 60s getting into the Anny Road end at “three quarter time” with my dad watching Hunt, St John, Yeats and Peter Thompson flying down wing. Stuff like that.

Sir Roger Hunt

Ron "The Colossus" Yeats

But the Saturday that ended those two weeks tore up the script and a new direction was taken. It was darker, moody, but fine on the outside. Mostly.

I went to the Unity Theatre on Thursday evening with my grandson Tom. I’d promised him a pizza in Ma Egerton’s and we took the opportunity to go to watch what turned out to be a wonderful production by Ian Salmon called “Those Two Weeks”.

Pizza Time in Ma's

It was a play based in a 1980s house, set just in the living room, about a family, the Miller’s living a normal life. Normal in the sense of how relationships pan out each and everyday, what can go wrong, how brothers and sisters live together as they’re growing through their formative years; how mum and dad just carry on whilst in the background there are things like a ticking time bomb that occasionally raise their head and an argument explodes. Stuff happens then you get over it and move on. It was a house in Liverpool so there was going to be a Red & Blue element to it and of course there’d be salad! Sunday evening in our house mostly.

Those Two Weeks

I found the play riveting. I had warned Tom, my grandson, that I may get emotional - I did. I laughed, I was in awe of some excellent performances, I cried. He’s 16 and he he held my hand, he hugged me, he was there for me like my family and friends have been for the last 29 years.

The play made me think, I’m still thinking and that’s why I’m writing this. It’s my way of dealing with my thoughts and it’s good that I can do this. It’s therapeutic.

I’ve tried to recall what I did in those two weeks. I can’t. But I probably watched it here on Thursday. I had my ticket so no worries there. I must have sorted the transport out with John, the manager of Tommy Hall's in Prescot. I’ll have gone to the match, had pint on the way home from the training I was doing at the time. I’d have been at home and played records, vinyl of course. I probably made some compilations on C90 tapes bought from Woolies. We’d have had salad for tea on the Sunday. I’d have decided what I would be wearing to go to the semi final. I’d have been buzzing.

I wore one of these!

Those Two Weeks has finished its short run at the Unity Theatre. I hope it is back soon because more people need the experience. It totally blew me away. 

THEY ALL KNEW #JFT96

I'll say no more....

#JFT96

Journeys End? #JFT96

Will today be the day that sees justice prevail? Will the anxiety felt by the families of those that died, by those, who like me climbed out of that hell on earth as well as those affected in other ways, be banished forever?  

Awaiting the news from Warrington, I am nervous, apprehensive and at a total loss of understanding as to where I am at emotionally.  

Will I be angry, will I be sad, will I be happy or will I have no apparent emotion at all?  Will I want hugs and company, will I want isolation or will I have no idea what I want? 

That scenario is today but it hasn't just been today. That's the emotional rollercoaster ridden every second of everyday because you never know when a trigger will happen, when your mood will swing or where that will take you.

This journey has been a journey of almost half of my life - I was a week shy of my 29th birthday when I went to see the Reds tonk Forest.  The journey hasn't all been bleak as friendships have formed that otherwise probably wouldn't.  There are also positives to be taken from never giving up, campaigning to get the Truth out there and succeeding. 

There are also many people out there who are barely thought about in the emotion of Hillsborough - the families of the survivors.  Some people, including myself, have been lucky enough to have the support of a loving family throughout this journey - thank you all.  Some however were not so fortunate.

Today's announcement, whatever it is, for me will simply be another set of crossroads on the journey. Which road is taken and where it takes us is as yet unknown. 

Justice for the 96

Not Guilty! and The Guilt That Never Goes Away

Not Guilty! and The Guilt That Never Goes Away 

"Get over it." "It's time you moved on."  I wish it was that easy.

For many years I thought it was just me. Feeling guilty for climbing out of Pen 3, physically unscathed, when all around me there was mayhem, injury and death.  

Over time I have met others who survived that hell on 15th April 1989 and I realised it wasn't only me. I've seen my feelings written down more than once, the latest time this very morning, but they were written by others, not by me. People who by a sheer twist of fate found themselves in midst of this carnage caused by the failings of many.

On 26th April 2016 I sat with my wife in the calm of Hillsborough Oaks and listened as the inquest verdicts were announced. I was relieved and emotional that they'd got it right. Us fans were exonerated. We were not guilty. I wish we didn't have to live with the absurd guilt of survival. 

This month is hard and over the next week it will get harder. If you know someone who like me escaped that hell hole please be there for them in which ever way they need. It will be difficult and different for each of us and we cope in our own way. We have done for 28 years. 

Justice for the 96. 

Justice for all.

We Never Walked Alone.