It gradually creeps up. March happens and the feelings begin to envelop me. I named it “Aprilling” in a post the other day - I think that popped into my crazy mixed up head thanks to the wonderful Thea Gilmore and her song called “Vespering”. Music keeps me going at times, often! Anyway, I digress….
Thursday was a long day. Work is incessant in a very busy NHS department but also strangely therapeutic because of the challenges of life in general. You know you’ve done a shift let’s say, both in work and coping with the mayhem around daily life outside of it. Work life balance? Nah!
I knew I needed just to wind down after work and pre match, Sheffield United at Anfield - 3 points needed, but “those” feelings fill my head when I’m alone. I need that time alone though and I can cope, it helps me. By being alone I’m avoiding good friends who know how I feel, or even if they don’t, they generally know the score. I’m so appreciative of them and of that.
But I need my alone time. We’re complicated. If I don’t understand me I don’t expect you to! So back to my thoughts and feelings - my “Aprilling” happens as the 15th approaches. It’s not on my mind 24 - 7 but it’s cunning, it sneaks up and transports me to a day that I will never forget and to a place that I wish I could forget.
The thoughts aren’t necessarily the horrific scenes that I witnessed, was a part of and extremely “lucky” to climb to safety from. It might be challenging myself as to why I ended up standing in the betting shop at the end of Leppings Lane (I think) at some point; or why some people were taking the piss and making multiple calls when kind people had let us into their homes to phone home to say that we were safe; or how the hell did I manage to find my coach and that never ending journey home - mainly in silence but for the radio bringing news of the rising casualties. When I see the coach home all I can see are shocked ghostly faces on those filled with smiles and laughter on the way to the game in the morning. Everyone on my coach came home.
I really can’t imagine how the relatives and friends of those lost and seriously injured must have felt travelling to Sheffield that evening. Heartbreaking.
The reason for this post is not for me but for others out there struggling who may get similar feelings at this time, or anytime for that matter, as although for me it’s more intense right now it’s not exclusively April it’s anytime.
Our much missed friend Dan Kay published a short blog of mine some years ago when I highlighted the absurd guilt felt by survivors that doesn’t go away. It’s absurd because why should you feel guilty for surviving attending a football match? You shouldn’t of course and you know that you shouldn’t! But it’s there, always. Liverpool Echo
So the point of all this is if you experience similar feelings please know that you’re not alone and that there are people out there who are willing and able to help. Speak to friends, strangers, post on social media or check out the Hillsborough Survivors Support Alliance which is a group that can help with support https://www.hsa-us.co.uk/
Oh, and in writing this I’ve uncovered the reason why I was in the betting shop! I had gone in there to get a pen and paper because amongst all of the turmoil I walked back up to the house I’d phoned home from to note the address. The next day I wrote to thank them. I can put that to bed now!
From the words of our anthem You’ll Never Walk Alone and you really don’t need to.
YNWA JFT97 Justice for All.
