“Aprilling” Hillsborough 35 years later. My survivor's guide.

It gradually creeps up. March happens and the feelings begin to envelop me. I named it “Aprilling” in a post the other day - I think that popped into my crazy mixed up head thanks to the wonderful Thea Gilmore and her song called “Vespering”. Music keeps me going at times, often! Anyway, I digress….

Thursday was a long day. Work is incessant in a very busy NHS department but also strangely therapeutic because of the challenges of life in general. You know you’ve done a shift let’s say, both in work and coping with the mayhem around daily life outside of it. Work life balance? Nah!

I knew I needed just to wind down after work and pre match, Sheffield United at Anfield - 3 points needed, but “those” feelings fill my head when I’m alone. I need that time alone though and I can cope, it helps me. By being alone I’m avoiding good friends who know how I feel, or even if they don’t, they generally know the score. I’m so appreciative of them and of that. 

But I need my alone time. We’re complicated. If I don’t understand me I don’t expect you to! So back to my thoughts and feelings - my “Aprilling” happens as the 15th approaches. It’s not on my mind 24 - 7 but it’s cunning, it sneaks up and transports me to a day that I will never forget and to a place that I wish I could forget. 

The thoughts aren’t necessarily the horrific scenes that I witnessed, was a part of and extremely “lucky” to climb to safety from. It might be challenging myself as to why I ended up standing in the betting shop at the end of Leppings Lane (I think) at some point; or why some people were taking the piss and making multiple calls when kind people had let us into their homes to phone home to say that we were safe; or how the hell did I manage to find my coach and that never ending journey home - mainly in silence but for the radio bringing news of the rising casualties. When I see the coach home all I can see are shocked ghostly faces on those filled with smiles and laughter on the way to the game in the morning. Everyone on my coach came home. 

I really can’t imagine how the relatives and friends of those lost and seriously injured must have felt travelling to Sheffield that evening. Heartbreaking. 

The reason for this post is not for me but for others out there struggling who may get similar feelings at this time, or anytime for that matter, as although for me it’s more intense right now it’s not exclusively April it’s anytime. 

Our much missed friend Dan Kay published a short blog of mine some years ago when I highlighted the absurd guilt felt by survivors that doesn’t go away. It’s absurd because why should you feel guilty for surviving attending a football match? You shouldn’t of course and you know that you shouldn’t! But it’s there, always.  Liverpool Echo

So the point of all this is if you experience similar feelings please know that you’re not alone and that there are people out there who are willing and able to help. Speak to friends, strangers, post on social media or check out the Hillsborough Survivors Support Alliance which is a group that can help with support  https://www.hsa-us.co.uk/ 

Oh, and in writing this I’ve uncovered the reason why I was in the betting shop! I had gone in there to get a pen and paper because amongst all of the turmoil I walked back up to the house I’d phoned home from to note the address. The next day I wrote to thank them. I can put that to bed now!

From the words of our anthem You’ll Never Walk Alone and you really don’t need to. 

YNWA JFT97 Justice for All. 

Hillsborough - Upbeat?

What a few days it has been. What a week, what a year.

We began last week with the sad internet troll trying to belittle us.  We fought it and we rose above it.  We paid our respects at the Memorial Service on Wednesday and the emotions overwhelmed some.  A group of intrepid heroes inspired and humbled us by running from Hillsborough to Anfield over two days.  Then on Sunday it gelled as our community, its football clubs and many others, joined the inaugural Run For The 96 5k in Stanley Park.

Where to start? Well this time last year a group of us had just got home from a walk from Hillsborough to Anfield, We Never Walked Alone. It was an experience that will live long in my memory, a great experience, I am so glad that I was part of it.  Then, like at the weekend, LFC had great expectations only to see them slip away.

More importantly the inquests began  and in that time the families have, through their heartfelt pen portraits, put a name, a face, and a real person in place of the number that before then their loved ones had been known.   

They have listened to evidence and heard reluctant admissions from people who should have had some balls many years ago. It's been a tough year for the families and those who were there on the day and still feel the guilt of survival. The inquests are underway again and it's important that we all take care of what we say and post. 

What I will say is that everyone involved has my 100% support and that will never waiver.

I attended the memorial service at Anfield which as usual was emotional and I was pleased to have Sofie, my daughter, at my side again supporting me.  It was also nice to be accompanied by other great friends that day.  

Other friends attended the memorial in Old Haymarket to pay their respects whilst others paid their respects in other cities both here and all over the world or by simply pulling over in their car or stepping outside of work at 3:06 to reflect. Many of course also Wore Red the 96 to show their support.

It doesn't matter where or how anyone pays their respects. It's that we still do 26 years down the line and we always will as the younger generation like Sofie, not born in 1989, know the significance of what happened that day and will never forget.

Moving on to last weekend when the Hillsborough - Anfield Run team got back to Anfield after their two day run, which as I said at the time I felt humbled as I welcomed them back to Anfield after their amazing effort. Well done to each of you!

                       

Then it was Sunday and the inaugural Run For The 96 5k in Stanley Park. I'm not a runner but I love walking and I decided to be a little different in my approach to the 5k. This would after all be the one and only time I would run a 5k, wouldn't it!?

My plan was to walk from home to the run, I had walked to Anfield from home before and the route I took was exactly 9.6 miles - a total coincidence! 

So on Sunday morning I set off at 7am aiming to get to Stanley Park 9:15 and the start of the 5k.  It was great to have some company on the walk as Andy stepped up his training for the Rock n Roll Marathon by walking there with me and jogging back home! Cheers mate!

The walk was enjoyable and we arrived in Stanley Park bang on time! Straight away despite the vast crowd there were friendly faces and hugs a plenty.  I then found Kenny, Carolyn and the girls waiting patiently on the start line. 

                  

My plan was start with a little jog and then walk the 5k but as I set off, in my walking boots, I had a Forrest Gump moment and I was off! Young Sarah accompanied me around the course and somehow had the breath to tell me stories from start to finish! 

 

There was something happening in those few hours on Sunday morning. Here I was at a Hillsborough event feeling upbeat, happy even.  I have heard and read much in the few days since.  I certainly wasn't the only one who felt this, it seems everyone there felt the same!  

Well done to Dom Williams and the team for thinking up and seeing through this wonderful event to its successful conclusion.  Well done also Dom for getting through it on your crutches, I hope that you recover from the injury quickly.

As for this being my last 5k I think not. I'll be back every year that I am able, inspired by everyone who took part and this special moment....

Photograph: P. Tichen Photography

See you next year!

The Hillsborough Memorial - Remembering the 96 #JFT96

The Hillsborough Memorial in Old Haymarket Liverpool marks the 26th Anniversary of the Hillsborough Disaster. Floral tributes placed at the memorial which was commissioned by the Hillsborough Justice Campaign (HJC) and created by local sculptor Tom Murphy show that 26 years on 96 fans who never came home are always remembered.  More photographs on Flickr 

Hillsborough Memorial, Old Haymarket, Liverpool