Is time a healer? The Hillsborough Disaster 26 Years On

It's not something that can ever be erased from my mind and nor should it. This week marks 26 years since fate allowed me to escape the hell of Leppings Lane whilst dealing a fatal blow to 96 fellow fans.

At this time of year my emotions, my guilt, the images and all that goes with that day are at their peak. They are always there, lurking in the back of my subconscious awaiting the slightest trigger to force them to the surface and change what may have been being a fantastic day into one that I can't wait to end.

This last week has been a tough one. Starting with someone trying to tout Hillsborough Memorial tickets, how dare he!

Hillsborough Memorial Tickets are FREE!

This was followed swiftly by the vile, disgusting Facebook pages appearing over the week. I'll not name them, I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of the publicity they clearly crave. The person(s) behind the pages and those that follow them are the lowest of the low. I believe in karma but I hope that the police catch up with them too and that they are suitably punished.

Early Thursday morning I had had enough. I am generally a strong person but knowing the effect the pages were having on me I was concerned at what the vile content would do to the families of those who didn't come home and I felt emotionally drained. I had to do something so I took to Twitter to ask for help from the media to find the scum behind the pages.

Radio City contacted me for which I am grateful (Thank you BBC for your interest!) and I reluctantly agreed to give a short interview. I decided to do this as I really want those behind the pages named, shamed and brought to book. My interview was aired, although I haven't heard it, and I hope that I got the right message across so that people can understand the damage these people do.

NEWS At 1pm a survivor of the Hillsborough disaster says he is devastated after another facebook page mocking the tragedy appeared online
— Radio City 96.7 (@RadioCity967) April 9, 2015

At this time of year, and with the inquests continuing, there are enough things keeping Hillsborough and its horror in the forefront of our minds without these faceless morons hiding behind a screen pushing vile abusive words and images and mocking the dead.

I am lucky to have supportive family and friends around me who understand how a little thing can push me down, even after 26 years, and they can help pick me back up by simply being there, giving me space, listening (although I rarely speak of it) and time. I'm sure that some people are not so lucky.

The sands of time are passing and perhaps closure of some description will come. The memories however will linger and 96 Angels will never be forgotten.

Let’s Make the Banter Fun - It's time to move on

As the rivalry reignites for tomorrows Liverpool v Manchester United game let’s make sure that the banter is just that, witty banter.

Supporters from both teams have over the last few years taken the banter to an unacceptable level.  It’s often written that it is only the minority that engage in the vile abusive chants about the Munich Air and Hillsborough Disasters. I’m not so sure that that has been the case but nonetheless even if it is the smallest minority it is intolerable.

In all the years we have spent in Europe – it could easily have been a plane full of Liverpool FC players and staff  in a Munich like disaster.  Likewise in the years of success that Manchester United have had in the FA Cup it could have easily been their fans not ours at Hillsborough.

Both clubs supported each other unstintingly at the time of the disasters and the same has been true of Manchester United since the release last week of the Hillsborough report with Sir Alex Ferguson's letter to fans including:

"Our great club stands with our great neighbours Liverpool today to remember that loss and pay tribute to their campaign for justice. I know I can count on you to stand with us in the best traditions of the best fans in the game.”  

Let’s respect the two clubs but most of all show respect to the dead and the relatives of those taken in two disasters.  It’s time to move on.

As for the game, let the banter begin.  I hope that Manchester United turn up in that grey “stealth” kit!

Can you see it?

The Truth - Time for me to move on?

In April 2010, 21 years after Hillsborough, I wrote a short account about my day, "Hillsborough, Still Hurting After All These Years".  It was one of the hardest things I had ever done as I wrote and deleted paragraphs containing some of my more graphic memories.

Nonetheless, writing and publishing an abridged version of what happened to me that day was in many ways therapeutic. Having published it I felt some relief in getting it off my chest (that old cliché) and then came the feedback, feedback from every corner of the world, showing support, understanding and anger at what me and many other went through that day, a day of course resulting in the needless deaths of 96 fellow football fans.

I think that with the coverage of that fateful day over the last week or so that many of the gaps in my account can now be filled by the reader.  Some things however are still within me, eating at me, torturing me.  I know full well that the feelings of guilt and “whether I could have done more” are futile but that doesn’t prevent them from being there.

I have a haunting image that lives with me day in day and out and has done since 15 April 1989.  I had made myself safe, helped many people over the railings into the safety of the side pen, comforted a couple of young lads who were upset and bewildered.  But standing there, watching the chaos on the pitch, I could see a young man lying with his back to me not moving.  His trousers were down to his knees and he had clearly filled his boxer shorts.  I was as sure as you could be from that distance that he was dead, but I wanted to go and cover him, give him some dignity. I didn’t.

In all the mayhem, I still had respect for authority and so when there were announcements asking fans to stay on the terrace I abided by them.  I wish to fuck that I hadn’t.

So here we are in September 2012 and the Truth is finally, conclusively out there (again), and now it is time for those responsible for what happened to take the consequences for their criminal acts.  The Football Association for allocating the ground, Sheffield Wednesday Football Club operating unlawfully with no safety certificate, the police for their woeful policing on the day and the corruption and cover up that has followed. 

The FA and Police Chief Sir Norman Bettison have both showed a total lack of respect and dignity in their press statements this week even after the release of the report.  I think the lies and cover up have been repeated that much that the perpetrators’ of the fabrication now have difficulty in working out which version of “The Truth” that they are running with.

Well I have news for them. It is not over and they will face the consequences of their actions.  After campaigning for 23 years alongside the families of the 96, the survivors, LFC fans worldwide, the people of Liverpool and possibly every other City & Town on the planet we will not go away.  We are here awaiting Justice and if we don’t see it coming we will press on until it arrives.

As for Kelvin MacKenzie and that rag that has the cheek to call itself a newspaper – no apology will ever suffice for the damage you did nor will it ever be accepted.  Both should quickly vanish off the face of the earth.

After the publication of the report on Wednesday I felt overwhelmed and an uneasy and strange emptiness. Then the anger came back. This was totally avoidable I knew it then and everyone knows it now.

I don’t think that I’ll ever fully move on from that day.  It has affected my life everyday since. Perhaps my wife and family are best placed to describe the changes in me; we are still together unlike many others affected that day.  In the same way, I am still here unlike the unfortunate ones who could not live with the burden of surviving.  Again a futile thing but not something that can easily by controlled when you are physically and emotionally affected by the events.

Perhaps I’ll quieten down and speak and post less about Hillsborough on Twitter and Facebook, but it is a fact of my life.  Moving on from it is not an option as it is a part of me and something that I will continue to live with.

Justice for The 96

YNWA

My sincere hope now is that everything is put in place to quickly secure new inquests and the families of the 96 can finally lay their loved to rest in peace and that Justice is seen to be done.

The Liver Bird - Justice For The 96

My Reflections 22 Years On

A Letter from 20 April 1989

Scousers Never Buy The S*n

No words are need from me - listen to:

BILLY BRAGG - NEVER BUY THE SUN from Billy Bragg on Vimeo.

Justice for the 96 YNWA

You'll Never Walk Alone

YOU'LL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN

YOU'LL NEVER WALK ALONE

JUSTICE WILL BE DONE

JUSTICE FOR THE 96